This post is dedicated to those suffering from depression. Maybe life has dealt you a harsh blow, maybe reality is overwhelming right now. Maybe you’re looking around you and you feel as though don’t have the courage to move forward but you also don’t see how you can live as you are living right now. Allow me to speak into your life for a moment.
The one thing that we can all be sure about, is change. Change happens regardless of whether or not you want it or think it is justified. Change is inevitable. Change is what brought you to the moment you are now in. This very moment when everything seems overwhelming and completely unbearable. This very moment when there is no sense in taking one more step. THIS very moment, is about to change. How do I know that? Because change is guaranteed, change is something you cannot control. But you can control what you do, or how you react to the change. Sometimes, the change is unwelcome, it is something heart wrenching and soul destroying. But in that moment of brokenness, know this; that even if your situation doesn’t change, YOU will, because change must, and will, happen. Always. And then, all else will slowly follow. And in time, the heart will either learn to live with the pain, or the pain will fade, depending on the circumstances.
I’ve been to that dark place where you believe that you simply cannot go on. But you take one more breath in, and one more out, in that pain, and look at you living through it?! I don’t mean a symbolic breath of time passing, I mean a physical, literal breath. Sometimes ALL that you can do is take one breath after another, because you can’t focus on anything, everything is going to pot and nothing is as you’ve planned.
A lady recently told me “I didn’t plan my life this way. Look at me. I’m 40 and my life’s over” She’s alone, she’s jobless, her husband has taken to the bottle and there appears to be no hope left, in her mind, because the friends in physical proximity have proven to be backstabbers. Despite the suicidal week she went through, she focussed only on her breathing, nothing else. I told her that it’s hard to be grateful for breathing when it hurts to be you, because you’d rather not be breathing. But do it anyway, one breath in and one out. Sleep. Walk in nature. So she did that. And slowly something changed.
First came the realisation that she deserves better, somehow she felt she deserved better than how she was treated by friends, because despite all the things she isn’t, she IS a good friend. She has WORTH as a friend even if they didn’t acknowledge it. Then came the realisation that she IS good partner material, even though her husband has not acknowledged this. She knows it because she does all those things that other wives don’t do. And she acknowledged that she isn’t perfect as a wife and actually is probably not suited to her husband in the way she thought she was, so maybe he’s done her a favour, although it hurts to feel as though you have failed. She got her CV out there and hasn’t found a job yet, but doing her CV showed her that she has a lot to offer, and so this is her theme – worthiness.
Yes, you know what should be, could be, should’ve been. Yes you know they could’ve would’ve should’ve. Yes you know this door or that is closed and right now its hurting so bad you can’t see straight. But YOU are still worthy. Because if you didn’t have some part to play in life, you wouldn’t be here. Nobody is born without a purpose.
When things go pear shaped, depression tells you to question your worth. I’m all for being realistic, but you can’t let your perception of reality become your perception of yourself. Reality can change, and perceptions are not always a good indicator of reality because TRUTH and FACT are two different things. Give reality a helping hand by changing your perception of yourself. The Fact is you may be feeling alone and abandoned, and it may require you to go out and meet up with friends, but the TRUTH is that someone out there will appreciate you. It may require you to step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help because you see no goodness in you. It may require major change, but wait, because that change doesn’t have to happen now. A desert cannot be shifted in a moment, it takes every grain of sand slowly rolling and others quickly flying to change the scenery. And guess what? Even deserts change. What you see now is different. Dunes shift, winds shift, comfortable spots become excruciating and those you fought to climb are suddenly flat. That is how the world is programmed. To change.
Right now, all you need to do, is breathe in, and breathe out, and know that nothing lasts forever. This pain won’t. You won’t. I won’t. There’s no point considering premature death as an option because death will come eventually and nobody is getting out of this life alive. So why rush things when you’re half-way through the movie? This is the scary part, the deadly part, the sad part, but there’s more to your story. It isn’t over until your dead, and death itself is just a beginning so be careful not to choose to walk onto that stage before you’re called.. you never know what you will find on the other side but one thing is sure, whatever you are feeling goes with you.
I guarantee you that whatever you are going through right now, others have been through, you are not alone. I guarantee you also that whatever you think cannot be fixed, has a solution; it may not be the one you want to face right now, but it will present itself when it gets tired of waiting for you to find it. How do I know this? Because CHANGE is a must, and so is CHOICE.
As long as you choose to live, the rest will come. You will find it or it will find you. So if you are facing your dark hour right now, this moment, then find a way to go safely to a place where you find spiritual peace; maybe a church, a mosque, a quiet spot in nature. If you are too anxious and distraught to drive, call a taxi, or walk. If you can’t physically walk there go there in your mind, and breathe one quiet, sad breath at a time. Stay there, as long as it takes for breathing to become a habit. Then keep going back there until breathing is what you choose to do. By this point, you will CHOOSE to live, just to be alive, even if it is just for the sake of that one person who raised you or that one person you’re raising or that one person that once upon a time believed in you. If you don’t believe in yourself right now, if you CAN”T believe in yourself, believe in THEM. And keep breathing. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs. If that is all you have, its something.
Then slowly shift focus, when you are ready. It may take hours, it may take days. But slowly make a conscious effort to shift your focus from those things and those people that are causing you pain and to focus on something that is productive, that will give you a sense of worth, because it is worthlessness that kills, not depression. Depression is just the vehicle on the way to inner death, but worthlessness is the weapon that will kill you every time.
Do it again, tomorrow. And the next day. Soon, you will spot some small, minor change, somewhere. An opportunity, perhaps. A small victory, perhaps. A tiny window of hope for your life and your future. Observe it, feed it kindness by breathing yourself through whatever it takes to get to that little window. You can do that. You can. I promise. Its easier when you pray but either way God is good and when you can’t find Him he will still be there, (however you choose to see him hold on).
And look at you, living and all that!!