Today’s post is based on a situation with a lady who asked for assistance in this particular case. Shena *not her real name* has been involved in a few relationships over her 45 years. Each time, she gives her heart over fully only to find that her expectations are not met. Men start off after the initial meeting by sending her messages of hope and kindness, even “I love you”. After a failed marriage, Shena becomes enthusiastic and wonders if this might be the one that will be her soulmate. Within a few weeks, the man simply doesn’t respond to mails or IM’s, but when he eventually contacts her he is full of appologies and building her hopes again. Invariably, she is helping these men with something else in their life; work, career planning, that type of thing.
There is nothing wrong with trusting too much, unless you’re getting nothing back in return.
Shena has tried keeping in touch the “lighthearted way” and keeping things quite gentle. She has also tried confrontation. Neither of these or anything else worked. WHY?
Shena is a helper type personality; she is all heart and gives too much right off the bat. Once she is in a relationship she goes out of her way to please, to help and to be there 24/7. But this is exactly the problem; Shena should be getting to know these men on her own terms, guarding herself with modesty until she is certain that their intentions are backed by their actions. In short, she needs to “go peacock” (refer to mindspace’isms).. She needs to strut her stuff, be sure of herself, give of her mind and heart but with reservation because these men haven’t proven themselves in the least. Is it, then, a case of difficult men? Or is she just too easy? Neither is the case. She is simply too trusting because her own frame of reference dictates that once there’s some commitment then you’re safe. But not all men are equal. The test is in the actions. If the pattern is that he says he will call and he doesn’t, but then sweetens his words to soften you, he’s probably lying about his feelings. If he commits to doing xyz and then doesn’t but has a pattern of excuses that have nothing to do with you, then he probably is lying about his feelings, or he’s just not that into you. Those are the facts. I’m not talking about the odd mistake, the forgotten date, the missed call because he’s stuck with a project. I’m talking about patterns. Patterns can never be seen from up close; you need to stand back to get a good look at them. So it is in relationships; if you’re too heavy too soon, you can’t see the wood for the trees and end up pouring yourself into something (or someone) who takes, takes, takes, but never gives. You can’t keep pouring out of your tanks of love and attention and never see a deposit made by the other person. You’ll end up dry and shrivelled before you taste any happiness.
So, if you’re in a relationship and you’re wondering what’s wrong, step back – and look at the patterns. They will, from a little distance, start to make Take time out if you must, but look at what you’re getting in terms of what you’re giving. No, don’t measure what you’re getting by your expectations, but why what you’re giving. Understand me now, people won’t always live up to your expectations. But if you’re going 99.9% of the way all the time (realistically) and the other person is simply a passenger, then its time to reassess things, issue a wake up call, or at worst, an ultimatum. Shape up, or Ship on out! Saves you a whole lot of heartache..