Loving and the Narcissist

In every bad relationship there is always an attempt to label things so as to try make sense of situations. I’ve heard many women complain to me that their husband is narcissistic, or bipolar, without fully understanding that bad character does not a psychological disorder make. I firmly believe that for some, there is a need to find a label almost as though that will excuse behaviour that is just not acceptable, or prevent them from calling their partners to account for what they do.

Let’s look at the narcissist – the word originates from the greek “Narcissus”, which according to the encyclopaedia Britannica is;

Narcissus, in Greek mythology, the son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. He was distinguished for his beauty. According to Ovid’s Metamorphoses, Book III, Narcissus’s mother was told by the blind seer Tiresias that he would have a long life, provided he never recognized himself. His rejection, however, of the love of the nymph Echo (or in an earlier version of the young man Ameinias) drew upon him the vengeance of the gods. He fell in love with his own reflection in the waters of a spring and pined away (or killed himself); the flower that bears his name sprang up where he died. ”  (source: http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/403458/Narcissus )

So how does this apply to relationships? A brilliant article already exists, so I have simply pasted and adapted from that article, onto here. Credit goes to its original writers and the original article can be viewed at its source (below)

Narcissistic Relationships: The Perils of Loving a Narcissist

narcissistic relationshipNarcissistic relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle with a narcissistic personality. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined by The Mayo Clinic as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence (may lie) a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

There has been much speculation that we live in an increasingly narcissistic world, and hard statistics are pointing in this direction. The “look at me” mentality that is often promoted by social networks like Facebook has people positively enamored with the image they present to the world. In addition, we may now be seeing the negative effects of the self-esteem movement on a larger scale. So how does this rise in narcissism impact our personal relationships? For one thing, more narcissism means more narcissistic relationships.

Professor Brad Bushman of the Ohio State University put it bluntly, when he said: “Narcissists are very bad relationship partners.” Studies show that narcissistic partners are more likely to engage in manipulative and game playing behaviors and are less likely to be committed to their long-term partners. A relationship with a narcissist can be hard to cope with.  To shed light on the common outcomes, struggles, and effects of a narcissistic relationship, we’ve interviewed psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Firestone.

How can you tell if you are in a relationship with a narcissist? Here are the warning signs of a narcissistic relationship.
Self-Centered
 If your partner is constantly thinking about themselves and focusing on getting their own needs met (often ignoring the needs of others), you may be in a narcissistic relationship.
Sense of Entitlement or Superiority
 If your partner feels that they are always right, that they are better, know more or deserve more than other people they may be a narcissist.
Lack of Empathy
 Another sign of narcissism is lack of empathy or feeling for other people. Often narcissists only show care for someone when that person is fulfilling the narcissist’s needs or serving a purpose for them.
Manipulative or Controlling Behavior
 Narcissists are more likely to engage in manipulative or game-playing behavior. They also have a tendency to be jealous or controlling in relationships.
Strong Need for Admiration
 Narcissists demand a great deal of attention and admiration. They like to be the center of attention and are often upset if the spotlight is on someone else in a social situation.
Difficulty Taking Feedback
 Narcissists tend to over-react to criticism. They are often stubborn and defensive about their behavior and have a hard time admitting when they are wrong.
Easily Wounded
 Another sign of narcissism is being easily slighted or wounded. Narcissists frequently feel wronged by others. If they are not treated as though they are special, they are quick to feel hurt or angry.

How Can You Tell if You Are in a Narcissistic Relationship?

When thinking about narcissism, I’m often reminded of the joke when someone goes on and on about themselves, then interrupts with, “But enough about me, how do you feel about me?”  If your partner is all about themselves, always needing attention and affirmation, he or she may be a narcissist. If someone is easily slighted or over-reactive to criticism, they may also be a narcissist. If they feel they are always right, that they know more, or that they have to be the best, etc., these may also be signs of narcissism.  Narcissistic individuals may only appear to care about you when you are fulfilling their needs or serving a purpose for them. A narcissistic relationship often leads to a lot of emotional distress.

It is estimated that around 1% of population suffers from NPD. However many people who have NPD do not seek treatment and therefore are never diagnosed. It is estimated that 75% of the individuals diagnosed with NPD are men. Although almost everyone has some self-centered or narcissistic traits, most people do not meet the criteria for having a personality disorder. There is, however, a growing portion of the population that is displaying a greater number of toxic, narcissistic traits, which are having an adverse effect on their lives and the lives of people close to them, even if they do not meet the clinical diagnosis of NPD. Forming attachments to individuals who exhibit these negative traits often causes similar distress as a narcissistic relationship.

A new study from Ohio State University has found that one simple question can identify narcissists as accurately as the 40-item test that has been widely used to diagnose NPD.  The question is simple, rating yourself on a scale of 1-7: “To what extent do you agree with this statement: I am a narcissist. (Note: The word ‘narcissist’ means egotistical, self-focused and vain.)”  You can even try out this free  interactive narcissism quiz. However, while this study suggests that many narcissists will freely admit to their narcissistic tendencies, it is important to note that most narcissists resist the diagnosis of NPD. Narcissists, generally, do not like to be told that they are narcissists.

Below are some common traits that a narcissistic relationship partner is likely to have: (Note  the degree to which these traits manifest themselves will vary largely depending on the individual.)

  • Sense of entitlement or superiority
  • Lack of empathy
  • Manipulative or controlling behavior
  • Strong need for admiration
  • Focus on getting one’s own needs met, often ignoring the needs of others
  • Higher levels of aggression
  • Difficulty taking feedback about their behaviour

Why do people become narcissistic? Is it a symptom of something else?

Narcissistic people often have narcissistic parents, who offered them a build up but no real substance. Their parents wanted them to be great, so they could be the parent of a great person, the best artist, smartest student, etc. Often narcissistic people were also neglected, as their parents were so focused on themselves that they could not attune to their child or meet their child’s emotional needs.  The child was only useful to these parents when they were serving a purpose for them. Often, the parents of a person with NPD alternated between emotional hunger toward the child and disinterest.

Narcissists have inflated self-esteem (both self-soothing and self-aggrandizing “voices”) a component of what my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, refers to as the “anti-self.” They are very fragile, because the flip side of their self-aggrandized feeling is very low self-esteem, the other component of the anti-self (made up of extremely self-hating and self-demeaning “critical inner voices”). So, for these people, even slight criticism can be a narcissistic injury, leading to an angry outburst and desperate attempts to regain their fragile, inflated self-esteem. Often, a condescending remark will help them to reestablish their superior image.

What are the different types of Narcissism?

While all narcissists are likely to show certain behaviors, not all narcissists are the same. In fact, there are two different types of narcissism, Grandiose Narcissism and Vulnerable Narcissism, which lead to different behaviors and stem from different early childhood experiences.

Grandiose narcissists display high levels of grandiosity, aggression and dominance. They tend to be more confident and less sensitive. They are often elitists and have no problem telling everyone how great they are. Usually grandiose narcissists were treated as if they were superior in their early childhood and they move through life expecting this type of treatment to continue. In relationships, grandiose narcissists are more likely to openly engage in infidelity or leave their partners abruptly if they feel that they are not getting the special treatment that they think they are entitled to.

Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are much more emotionally sensitive. They have what Dr. Campbell describes as a “fragile grandiosity,” in which their narcissism serves as a façade protecting deeper feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Vulnerable  narcissists swing back and forth between feeling superior and inferior. They often feel victimized or anxious when they are not treated as if they are special. This type of narcissism usually develops in early childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with abuse or neglect. In relationships, vulnerable  narcissists often worry about how their partners perceive them. They can be very possessive, jealous and paranoid about their partners having flirtations or affairs.

How does a narcissistic partner negatively impact a relationship?

A narcissistic partner will have difficulty really loving someone else, because they don’t truly love themselves.  They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really “see” their partner as a separate person.  They tend to only see the partner in terms of how they fill their needs (or fail to fill their needs). Their mates and children are only valued in terms of their ability to meet these needs.  Narcissistic partners often lack the ability to have empathy with their partners’ feelings. This lack of empathy leads to a lot of hard feelings in a narcissistic relationship.

People may be drawn to a narcissistic partner, especially at the beginning, as they tend to have a “big” personality. They can be the life of the party. They can make you feel that you too must be great for them to be with you. However, in time, they can be too directive and controlling in relationships. They may feel jealous or easily hurt.  When narcissistic injuries occur, they often lash out and can be very cutting.  Their reactions are dramatic and attention-seeking. According to narcissistic personality expert, Dr. W. Keith Campbell, “The effects of narcissism are most substantial in relation to interpersonal functioning. In general, trait narcissism is associated with behaving in such a way that one is perceived as more likable in initial encounters with strangers— but this likability diminishes with time and increased exposure to the narcissistic individual.” This is why many people, who have had long-term relationships with a narcissist, describe a very passionate and exciting honeymoon period in the beginning and then a sharp decline as the likeability decreases and the self-centered behaviors increase. Narcissists are prone to falling madly in love with someone instantly and are very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment is not easily sustained.

When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you may feel very lonely. You might feel like you are just an accessory and  your needs and wants are unimportant.  Narcissistic partners act as if they are always right, that they know better and that their partner is wrong or incompetent. This often leaves the other person in the relationship either angry and trying to defend themselves or identifying with this negative self-image and feeling badly about themselves.

What are some things a person can do to deal with a narcissistic partner?

If you find yourself in a narcissistic relationship, you can first recognize what you have chosen and reflect on the unconscious motives that might have led you to choose such a partner. Did you have a self-centered parent?  Are you more comfortable with your partner being in control, so you can then take be more passive? Do you get a sense of worth from being attached to someone who is in the spotlight?  Does the negative image of yourself they foster with their criticisms and superior attitudes resonate with your own critical thoughts about yourself?  Many people who fall in love with narcissists have issues around co-dependency. They will put up with a certain amount of abuse because they don’t feel confident enough in themselves to set boundaries or be on their own.

Understanding your role in the narcissistic relationship is important. You can then start to challenge yourself to change your half of the dynamic. This will, in turn, challenge your partner to change their style of relating.  You can recognize the fragility of your partner’s self-esteem and have compassion for the fact that his or her inflated sense of self, superiority and grandiosity is a cover up for the flip side of self-hate and feelings of inadequacy.  You can also develop your own self-confidence and self-worth by learning to practice self-compassion. In all encounters, act equal, and treat your partner as an equal.

understanding npd narcissistic relationshipsHow can people face and overcome their own narcissism?

A narcissist can challenge and overcome their narcissism by recognizing and separating from both the self-soothing, self-aggrandizing and self-attacking attitudes of their critical inner voice. The attitudes they internalized very early on in their lives. They need to recognize and challenge these attitudes toward themselves and toward others. One method for doing this is through Voice Therapy.

Narcissistic individuals further need to differentiate from negative traits of their parents or early caretakers that they are still acting out in their current lives. These traits might include superior attitudes or condescending behaviors.  They also need to give up the adaptations they made to the ways their own parents neglected them or were emotionally hungry toward them. These adaptations may have once been their survival mechanisms, but they now manage to push others away and sabotage personal lives and goals. Narcissists also need to break patterns of being self-centered or withholding. They must fight the tendency to always compare themselves to others and the need to be the “best” or “perfect” all the time.

Another way to cure narcissism is to foster self-compassion rather than self-esteem. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research on self-esteem versus self-compassion. The difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is that self-esteem centers on evaluating yourself  in relation to others and emphasizes a need to be special. While self-compassion focuses on “treating oneself with kindness, recognizing one’s shared humanity, and being mindful when considering negative aspects of oneself.” Dr. Neff’s studies have found that self-esteem leads to higher levels of narcissism, but self-compassion does not. Self-compassion actually combats narcissism because it includes the idea of a shared humanity with all other human beings, which leads to more compassion for others. Self-compassion also fosters real self-awareness, a trait many narcissists lack, as it promotes that we be mindful of our faults, which is the first step to changing negative traits in yourself.

For there to be any hope of recovering a good relationship from a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist must overcome their self-centered and negative traits. They need to challenge their self-feeding habits and pseudo-independent stance. They need to focus on developing their capacity for empathy and respect of others.  Lastly, they need to develop transcendent goals, to care about and invest in others’ well-being. Being generous and giving to others are examples of behaviors that would be corrective, building real self-esteem and practicing focusing outside of oneself.

(For the full article go to: http://www.psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/ )

Advertisements

About MindspaceIntuition

A life coach and energy healer's blog about experiences shared, lessons learned and challenges overcome. A place of serenity where the feminine psyche finds expression. Comments and opinions welcome.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s