Change hurts. Every time.
There’s never a situation where change does not hurt. Sometimes the pain comes from saying goodbye, sometimes the pain comes from knowing you stayed, digesting the fact that you were used, or trying to stop blaming yourself for what you may think is a failure even though part of you knows its time to walk the golden mile.
Every human being has gone through some level of pain due to relationships wether its those that exist or the fact that there is none to speak of. Loneliness is just as painful as bad company. So in the end, it boils down to the choice of what type of pain you are prepared to live with.
Thankfully, the women I’ve worked with have chosen the pain of facing their demons (sometimes also called a husband *said with a tongue in cheek!) and for many facing that man/partner/husband has not been as difficult as facing themselves in the raw, broken state. The thinking that they have failed, the idea that they allowed themselves to be betrayed, the sense that they “should’ve known” often times delays moving on as an individual, on a deeply spiritual level.
I’m here to tell you that when you have faced your inner demons, the self-loathing, self judgement, personal critical director, you will find facing the human demon much less difficult.
So how DO you deal?
1* understand that life happens.
2*understand that choices were made which determined where you are, but only the choice you make today will determine where you are next. Destination is something reached step by step, not in one fail swoop.
3* know that you are not alone. All around the world in this very moment are many people in situations so identical to yours that it would probably boggle your mind if you knew. And all throughout history and the future when you are long gone, there will be people in situations like yours and situations far worse than yours. This helps you to realise that all things are relative and the only reason you seem to be hurting is because its “YOU”. It’s always easier to assume the other person feels less. They don’t.
4* understand that life is about cycles. Some cycles are life, like birth, life and death. Some marriages or relationships will live a cycle that lasts longer than others. Each one of them has a beginning and each one will have an end in this world. Deal with the now and decide if this cycle has run it’s course. How do you know? If you’re being abused, put down, ridiculed and made to feel less than, and you can genuinely say you have tried, then it’s time to change the locks on your door and on your heart.
5*know that crying is ok. breaking down with a girlfriend when you know HE is the idiot (or if you’re a man, breaking down with a bro even though you know SHE is the idiot) is part of the process. Don’t skip the step. Find someone who will listen, so you can hear yourself say the things you need to hear yourself say, and so that you can have someone who then tells you that you will be fine.
6* give yourself permission to be happy. Even if “happiness” is an elusive silver frog with a speckled tongue made from frozen rainbows right now, you need to give yourself permission to live long enough to find out if such an elusive creature is alive, somewhere, carrying your name on a leaf of peace. You just need to.
7*give yourself time to grieve, while you’re taking care of business. Know when to focus on the getting out, and know when to take time out to just be, to let go, to grieve lost dreams.
8* take care of the body, the mind and the soul. You need to ensure that you get enough sleep so your mind is rested. When depressed “enough” is relative to what YOU need. Give yourself what you need, so long as these things are good and wholesome. This does not mean you give yourself permission to binge on anything, the idea is to give your body, mind and soul BALANCE.
9*seek to love yourself. spend time either alone or with friends, doing things you love to do, in moderation. Allow yourself to get re-acquainted with what you want from life, what your options are, and focus on identifying possibilities for positive growth.
10* Press On. When it’s time to cut- cut. When its time to say goodbye, don’t dilly dally. Plan and then GO. The sooner you do, the sooner you enter into your new world. You may cry off an on, still, but it will be balanced by a sense of knowing that you have conquered your demons, and you are a stronger person for yourself and for others. Be ready to give when the time comes. For this, you will need to let go of bitterness. It’s a tough demon to torch, but we will deal with it in a new post.