The wheel does turn..

nothing broken is ever the same

Today’s post is about popping the cap on a not so little thing called oppression and retribution. No matter your religious frame of reference you will have seen, as I have, that sooner or later Justice is served, and for those who oppress, it is often served cold, dry, and in broken glass made of the tears they’ve caused others to suffer.

The world is full of people who know full well that others have rights and quite happily chose to ignore that, so as to impose their will to control on others. The level of selfishness I have seen people exposed to is mind boggling. On a worldwide scale you, look at countries that have been living through a war caused by the “noseyness” of other countries which actually stems from greed. (I will avoid going down the political road too much beyond that although much could be said).

image doesn't have to rule the world On a community scale, you see people who know full well that a particular reality exists but because the reality hurts their sense of pride and entitlement they chose to overlook it, suppress it, oppress it and do all they can to obliterate it instead of doing the right thing and acknowledging the rights of others. My personal frame of reference from a religious perspective teaches me that every pharoah falls and sooner or later the wheel turns, and these are the same people who will be crying “poor me” when the proverbial crap hits the fan in their own lives. To put it simply, Karma is, indeed, a “bitch”.

break out, believe

So let me say for all those who are going through hell on earth brought on by another- 

STAND. Believe. Know. Trust.

– fathers out there who out of pride and trying to “preserve their nice quite life” refuse to acknowledge the children they have, refuse to support them, refuse to have anything to do with them – you will have your day, if not now, I believe you won’t escape because the nature of what you are doing simply begs balance for those you are doing it to.

bondage always breaks with time.

-people out there who are living what is tantamount to a secret life because person x or y or group p and q don’t want their boat rocked because their pride and greed would hurt too much I’m here to tell you – your oppressors will have their day. The higher your oppressor places themselves on a pedastal, the harder they will fall when they fall. And they WILL fall, because a greater power is watching and those who have no respect for that power (or call it destiny/universe/whatever your belief is) will sooner or later feel its wrath. This goes for EVERYONE _ whether you have to hide your faith, are a victim of persecution, or have people out to get you simply because you exist and they believe you shouldn’t – know that you know that you know that EVERY Pharoah falls. So whilst they abuse, hurt, ignore, suppress or oppress you they are simply adding to the fire they will feel the day they feel the full wrath of what their own hands have carved. I have seen this happen, I am sure I will see it again, and again, and again.

laugh now, pay later. Such is the gift of gossip.

-people out there who are living in fear because your abuser tries to get you to conform by force to their worldview; know that you cannot be broken. And know that when they least expect it those who wish to obliterate your sense of self esteem will themselves feel (multiplied at least by three!) that which they used to you to do be avenged, somehow. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen those same people who were laughed at, ridiculed, or made to feel stupid, inferior, belittled etc. RISE – they rise because being broken to the point that you cannot walk another step somehow lets you grow wings. And as I’ve seen these people rise I’ve seen abusers receive such misery, such angst, such devastation because of what they have earned by their own hands that even the victim feels sorry at times, but the wheel that was set in motion by the hands of the abuser is turning so fast now from the pressure they themselves caused that not even the victim has the power to stop retribution. Nor should they, in my opinion.

You can survive.

Retribution, not Revenge

This is not the law of revenge; it is the law of balance, and of justice. It’s not something to be scoffed at or giggled away. It may be unspoken by the victim but it is joyously felt and spiritually known to be the firm and full reality when eventually the wheel turns.

you get what you give

Be careful, then, what you teach your children about respecting the rights of others. It may be hard to bite back the pride and do the right thing but it will be far, far harder to swallow the bitter pill of retribution. (And know, in case I haven’t been clear, that retribution ALWAYS comes.)

-those who work in an environment where people try to push them down, steal their ideas, ride on your coat-tails or rest on your laurels; know that when retribution comes you WILL be taken out of that situation because you had the faith and trust to push through it until you see those same people get their just rewards. I’ve seen it happen and it gets ugly, but it’s on their own head.

-those who are financially oppressed, emotionally or verbally abused, physically victimized or having to live with a psychopath (etc) should know,  (please do know without a shadow of a doubt) that the wheel turns, that there is a power greater than all of us, and sometimes the wheel turns so fast it literally falls onto the abuser. This is not of your doing, it is their own work heaped upon their own head.

For those who may read this that think this is a vicious, hateful thing to post, let me say this – the hateful thing is what was done up front, and justice thankfully doesn’t discriminate. Justice, balance, that is the essence of true kindness, and where this is absent it must and will be reinstated.If one cannot side with a victim of oppression, with someone who has lived a life of sacrifice or pain or hurt (or all) for the sake of the pride and greed of another, then perhaps those readers should take heed, because every tear is counted.

 Put out evil get it back,

Be reassured; I’ve seen women broken by heartless, greedy, prideful people who put themselves, their own pride and greed and selfishness before the rights of others. It’s always about not wanting the truth about their own selves getting out and that really isthe root of crime, the root of evil; PRIDE. This encompasses greed, selfishness, etc.

I always tell the women I help – such people should watch your actions; when they suppress, hurt, kill the joy and the peace and the rights of others they are actually harming themselves, it just hasn’t caught up to them yet but it will. In our actions towards others- we’ll either “get busy living, or get busy dying”.

Hang in there and believe because retribution may wait, the wheel may turn slowly, but be assured that good always triumphs over evil.

**this post is dedicated to a special lady who has endured more than her fair share. Be brave, stand strong, the waves may crash around you but only you can chose to fall.

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Narcissistic “love” breaks more than just a heart.

narcissist

I’m re-posting a blog entry made by ANA – After Narcissistic Abuse. If you think you may be a victim of narcissistic abuse and you need to know what to do/how to stop it/how to get out/how to stop being afraid, you really need to head on over to this blog. Exceptionally well written with loads of personal experience examples, everyone that’s in a relationship and starting to think they will either loose their mind or shrivel up inside must read this. It would take days to sift through the extraordinarily poignant discussion made by these posts. I have re-blogged as is so as to retain the integrity of the blogger’s work.

Narcissist’s NEVER leave fingerprints on their victims, just a ghostly image of their abuse!

“Am I crazy?” “What is WRONG with me?” “I feel empty and worthless!” “I can’t move on and I am stuck in this nothingness and lost the ability to rejoin life!” These are the burning questions, thoughts and comments from many targets, victims and SURVIVORS of this abuse AND basically trauma responses and trauma triggers. This is important because too many targets/victims are not achieving complete recovery and living in total despair.

This is a theory that is an offset of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and that is Post Traumatic Narcissism Syndrome (PTNS) which I am defining in real terms. PTNS is a condition in which the affected person’s memory, emotional, and physical systems have been traumatized just like with PTSD but while STILL being in the relationship with their Narcissist. PTNS is more apt to be described as an ‘ongoing’ or day to day trauma experience from the abuse and not a diagnosis BUT in time will develop into PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder!) For targets/victims still in the abuse cycle, certain flashbacks of the abuse turns up repeatedly with endless variations from so much that has occurred in the past and present. It is personality altering and targets/victims can display many signs of this trauma that can seem as if they are suffering from some sort of disabling psychological issue – WHEN in fact they are showing the signs of the abuse/trauma. A Narcissist will even use this against a target/victim during the discard by pushing them so much so to capitalize on target/victims reactions in a manner to set them up and look like they are angry or raging mad, overemotional, obsessed OR crazy! It helps the already backstabbing Narcissist’s ‘smear campaign’ waged against the target/victim in the end. The truth of course is that the Narcissist has pushed the target/victim to the edge and hoping that they fall off.

There was an old term that described the trauma that soldiers experienced in previous wars called ‘Shell Shock’ that sort of gives a similar representation of what it is like to live in this ongoing war zone with a Narcissist. Shell shock was a term coined to describe the reaction of some soldiers in World War I in response to the trauma of the ongoing battle. It was a reaction to the intensity of the bombardment and fighting that produced a helplessness, panic and being scared, an inability to reason normally, sleep, walk or talk. Being in a psychologically abusive atmosphere like that with a Narcissist is like being in a battle where the target/victim is constantly attacked with ‘psychological bombs.’ The target/victim can only take cover and without the ability to deal with the lateral damage because they are unaware of the real enemy AND when they are going to attack!

Targets/victims tend to remain in a large part totally controlled by the abusive Narcissist, keeping their mind and emotions in bondage because of the psychological bombs the Narcissist uses or how the Narcissist psychologically pounces on their target/victim without warning as if in a war. Unfortunately the target/victim doesn’t realize they are in a war zone though. This elicits a terrible and terrifying combination of helplessness and rage, AND unbearable feelings that had to be suppressed for the target/victim to stay in the relationship. These are the symptoms of PTNS or again the day to day trauma struggles.

Symptoms of Post Traumatic Narcissism Syndrome: Flashbacks or constant awareness of the cruel behavior, lies, manipulation, betrayal, etc. and basically the trauma associated with it all and trying to rationalize all of this as ‘that promised love.’ Hyper-arousal as it concerns the fear of most everything that concerns the relationship AND even personal safety. Fear seems to be all around you as if you can’t trust your own natural instincts to reason why you are feeling this way or why you can’t resolve this constant fear. It can be overwhelming in the sense that it causes such anxiety as it concerns simple things you were able to do so freely prior to the start of the devaluation phase from the abuse. Hypervigilance is a response of the fear you feel, or a type of scanning your immediate environment for constant threats as it concerns life and especially when the Narcissist is in your presence. Irritability that seems to surround so many normal things that are just part of your daily life. Depression and guilt or that feeling of hopelessness and anxiety. Multiple physical complaints like sore muscles/bones, headaches, exhaustion and feeling like you are always coming down with something. Feeling numb like you are physically there in your immediate environment but not actually feeling it. An impaired concentration and memory loss. Forgetting simple everyday things. Avoidance and isolation from family and friends. Disturbed sleep patterns and distressing dreams and exhaustion! Your mind is always in a pattern that is like the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome but you don’t know why! Clinically it is simply described as being in ‘the fog’ but it describes many confusing and fearful experiences directly related to the relationship.

I remember in my personal situation that in one breath I was looking forward to us getting together (the anticipation) and even excited, about being together when my Narcissist arrived for the weekend. BUT then I also remember a deep overwhelming feeling of anxiety that would set in too. I accepted and ignored the anxiety as part of the reality of this relationship for some reason. I guess I didn’t know what to do with this feeling because it was tangible to me, but unexplainable as far as any one thing I could put my finger on. If I had to explain it something was terribly wrong but I just couldn’t explain EXACTLY what it was at the time, BUT I took ownership of it. It was the WHOLE RELATIONSHIP and the reason I couldn’t put my finger on it is because I would have needed thousands of fingers to accomplish this task because it was the deep seated psychological abuse that had imprinted itself in my mind and heart and NOW manifested as anxiety. A Target/victim cannot accomplish this with a simple ‘ah ha’ and walk away because by the time they realize the truth it is too late and the abuse has manifested itself and disabled them. They are already in the battle zone experiencing the shellshock and there is no cover for them or way to escape! It is this consistent fear that nothing around me was right, that everything could/would go wrong at any given moment BUT then again maybe not. That is a shrewd and seamless battle plan (manipulation) on the Narcissist’s part like they are playing hide and seek with emotions through this horrendous manipulation so we are never on solid ground. Would it be the ‘love bombing’ or the horrible psychological pounce?

This is that cognitive dissonance – one reality verses the other – the confusion that is ALWAYS there and what debilitates our normal reasoning to see the truth. I would feel anxious around my Narcissist as if any minute something was going to go wrong and it usually did – that was the conditioning that the Narcissist is so adept at. I would feel so alone and as if I was only going through the motions of our time together and almost pretending to be a part of something that was real but then again not real at all – pure CONFUSION. I wasn’t an individual anymore, because my worth was diminished to that of an object or objectified. I was of no more importance than what that Narcissist wanted or needed from me. Just like a car, a washing machine, or whatever, and there were many other objects in this Narcissist’s life as well. We all had our roles and we were none the wiser as far as knowing that this was a huge sham, scam, con job, etc., BUT we were all chained to our roles psychologically.

I felt like I was in front of a judge waiting for my verdict AND with every single thing I tried to do. It wasn’t my insecurities, it was the constant managing down that became a given. What I devised as plans AND before we got together that made me so happy were changed when my Narcissist was there and in front of me. I would just put myself into a task but feeling anxiety and exhausted for some reason. I would even hope at times that there would be an argument so all of this would stop and my Narcissist would leave because it was overwhelming at times. I always knew everything I did would be questioned, made wrong, and turned into something where my motives were questioned. Then there were the out of nowhere arguments that might come up where I was accused of something I didn’t do and then the rage. I could never engage in a personal conversation without feeling like I was being interrogated or led into a situation where I was made to feel insignificant and whatever I took the time to do in good faith was destroyed. I NEVER FELT COMFORTABLE with the person that said they loved me more than life itself. Seriously after my Narcissist left there would be this wave of relief that would flush over me but yet I was right in there trying to get this relationship back on track and working. I would seriously have to take a nap because I was so exhausted after my Narcissist went home! This was an extremely angry person that was seriously scary BUT I tried to be a savior in the name of that once perfect PROMISE of real love. It was so dysfunctional from the get go and it required some amazing psychological magic for this Narcissist to disable me as much as they did to keep me hanging on. Yes I take responsibility for some weaknesses within me but it is not just ME as in my fault, this is why it is called ABUSE. That is why terms like ‘brainwashing’ and ‘gas-lighting’ are used in the clinical definition of this abuse. WE ARE NOT STUPID OR WEAK PEOPLE! We are human beings just like the men/woman that experience trauma from war, or an accident, or a terrorist attack. Trauma is not a normal aspect of life, it is induced upon a person from a terrible event that happens into their life! Nobody wants to be traumatized. Narcissist traumatize to control their target/victims and gain that power they need over people!

Unfortunately what I just wrote is what makes people wonder just why we stayed or allowed this to continue. Well very simply a Narcissist is just shrewd enough to have tricked us into that perfect love first and then dangled it in front of us, giving a little, taking a little, giving a lot and taking a lot. This is emotional and psychological abuse. It was CONDITIONING to keep us in the cycle of abuse, or controlling/conditioning us. They are very good at their ability to con people because it serves them in every way. They harvest people for THEIR needs ONLY, this is their way of life and survival and they have to be this good to live among us. They also have to wage that destructive war to escape responsibility and exposure or they would be cast off forever.

So how does this relate to a Narcissist and abuse? A Narcissist is a person who deprives their partners of the ability to feel joy and love as a separate person in relationships or basically sucks the life out of them. They deliberately attempt to destroy or compromise the separate identity of another person or objectify them. They immobilize their target/victim, numb them or whatever term best describes what they do to break into our hearts and minds, gain our trust, and then extort what they can. The longer the relationship continues, the narcissist not only becomes less considerate, but actively crueler in MANY different subtle to very overt ways. Many victims end up feeling hollow because the narcissist squeezes them like a boa constrictor wrapping itself around its prey. The emotional deprivation, physical and mental torture can result in a type of soul murder. Brainwashing their partners into believing they are the problem keeps the emotional bondage going. The Narcissist conditions the target/victim into this role through constant managing down, punishment tactics, betrayal, manipulation, lies, and a vast arsenal of tools. This leaves survivors not knowing what they want and what they feel, or what they have done and what has been done to them and what they NEED to do.

A target/victim might question whether the abuse really did happen and accept a role as being the source of the problem from all of the blame and managing down by the Narcissist! Acknowledging victimization and being abused is crucially important to the person’s ability to control obsessive thoughts of the past and recover. The survivor can then begin to separate and achieve independence from the Narcissist and release all of the negative messages the Narcissist planted in his/her head, heart and soul.

It is also important that you do not turn this new awareness or acceptance against yourself. For example, “I am SO angry at him/her, but I’m even angrier at myself for putting up with it and how stupid I am for not seeing any of this!” Use self-compassion to forgive yourself. AGAIN this is that message that the Narcissist has tattooed on your head that YOU need to blame yourself and feel worthless for anything and everything. Just practice being alert or aware to self-blaming and change the negative thoughts when you hear them cycling through your head. Tell yourself to stop and say out loud ‘get out of my head.’ Break the thought process with a counter process like voicing the TRUTH to yourself that this was abuse. Similar to this is constantly questioning the Narcissist’s ‘personality disorder’ in a manner that you try to analyze them, their motives, or better yet comparing them to a normal person with healthy personality traits. Trying to figure out why they can’t love or why they ‘faked’ loved, or why they would so overtly abuse your love is futile. Simply put Narcissist’s are disordered and they act out against people AND it is just A FACT OF THEIR LIFE and you can’t change them or heal them. You have to purge all of this out of you and find your “OK” with this even as insurmountable as the task is, or you will be chained to the abuse forever. This is about you and only you now and surviving means that you must rejoin the real world and trust again as well as love again. You do not deserve a prison sentence for life by locking yourself up in your mind that was totally distorted and disabled by what amounts to a not fully functioning human being or better yet a real life monster.

You must break the cycle to completely put yourself in a space to understand that their every motive was to pull you into their negativity and darkness as well as to extort what they could even your goodness. They will string you along with promises to ONLY draw you back in to punch you in the heart and brain one more time, and another time, and as often as you give them the opportunity. They will put bait out there to fool you into believing that they care or love you only to ‘bait and switch’ your thought processes once again to dehumanize you, make you wrong, make you react to them, and hurt you – THEN use it against you. They want the reaction because it keeps you connected to them and processing their abuse. That is their gift to good people – abuse and destruction!

Another step in recovering from this abuse is recognizing that you are angry and admitting it. It is essential to uncover those raw feelings, so you can begin the process of healing. Know where the anger is coming from inside of you. Any emotions that you repress are harmful and will keep you trapped and powerless to face the situation or feel real happiness again. Acknowledging the anger that is usually disguised as depression and anxiety allows you to decide what to do about it (complete awareness of the situation and acceptance,) and then dealing with it by raising your thoughts to a higher plane of knowledge instead of staying within the cycle of emotions that keep you connected at the hip to this Narcissist. The Narcissist accepts all attention as supply – especially the negativity that they have forced onto and into you. This is what powers their omnipotence and gives them substance as well as makes you fear their retribution and helps them escape from being exposed.

Another step is to understand why you are so angry. Are you angry because you have been hurt, used, extorted, is it emotional damage, is it financial damage, etc.? The fact is that a Narcissist has emotionally impoverished and disabled you AND taken whatever else they could get their hands on, they are basically thieves of love and life. Are you resentful because the Narcissist has moved on within a few hours or days of the discard? Are you angry because of the huge ‘smear campaign’ and loss of your good integrity? All of these are valid reasons to be angry BUT this is what this predator does to everyone and you did not sign a contract with them to be abused, they conned you into their derelict lifestyle. You are a victim of this abuse, you didn’t ask to be abused, or knew from the very day you met them that they were a Narcissist or any of the above. Yes it is just so hideous to believe that you could have been conned so completely and lost many years of your life – BUT these creatures are out there looking for their targets because they need people to feed off of to survive. It is wrong without a doubt, but unfortunately until the awareness of this abuse is taken to a higher level and these creatures are made accountable for their actions, they will keep on abusing. They have an edge and advantage by blaming us for their actions and saying WE are the abusers, or crazy and turn the tables around on us to avoid exposure. They have been ten steps ahead of the game like any intuitive career criminal is – they leave no fingerprints!

Remember that that your emotional roller coaster ride and mood swings are/were directly related to the stress of living in a battle always dodging the Narcissist’s land mines which can feel like a mental health disorder. Basically the Narcissist has disabled you AND made you mentally ill with all of their brain washing, gas-lighting, manipulation, conditioning and managing down. That is all real, but YOU have the ability to change and fix all of this with the truth and reality of KNOWING what is fact now. Educate yourself, see the patterns through the voices of other targets/victims and survivors. The trauma is real and also disables you – understanding your enemy shuts the battle down.

Once your anger is purged out of you and in the open (or surfaced) it is less likely to cause problems for you. If it stays bottled up inside of you it will keep you in the gravitational pull of the Narcissist. This is ambient abuse where the abuse has found a permanent home in you and will stay there until you evict it once and for all like a deadbeat tenant that doesn’t pay rent and is destroying a rental property. It is necessary for you to make these changes because you are the one who has been disabled, or made sick by the existing situation of this abuse. The Narcissist is not there to help you recover they are the perpetrator. Your ability to live and enjoy what you are doing, reviving your daily living patterns, and your recovery from PTNS and PTSD are constantly influenced by emotions that keep you connected to this Narcissist. Nurturing yourself when you are hurting is imperative. Devote time each day to doing things that make you feel good. Establishing a daily routine is essential to your mental health. Get professional help if needed. Invest in your well-being ALONE so that you can create what you need, deserve, and want in a relationship with yourself. You are recovering from an extremely traumatizing situation that may have been your reality for years. PLEASE invest in yourself because this is your life and you deserve happiness, love and acceptance.

A little bit more to help understand this process! If you overload an electrical system at home by pulling too much energy (or too much stimulation,) the circuit breaker activates and shuts everything down. The human nervous system is also an electrical system, and when it is overloaded with too much stimulation OR too much danger, as in TRAUMA, it also shuts down to just the basics. This is that feeling of numbness, or being in shock or feeling totally empty inside. Targets/victims should see a professional to help with this trauma but that is not always possible.

Most people have not experienced so much primary trauma/psychological abuse (daily) like a target/victim of this abuse does at the hands of a Narcissist. Those that have experienced trauma through a life changing event like a terrible accident, school shooting, etc., see a professional counselor immediately and thoroughly tell their stories and purge out the horrific images. A target/victim of this abuse can partially work through their feelings by involving the people they are close to. They do it by telling their story hundreds and thousands of times and that is how they reach out for help. They need to talk it out and repeat the traumatizing aspects of this complete loss that can involve many years of their life. That is the means by which a target/victim begins to dispel the feelings of distress attached to all of their memories and the deep psychological damage. This trauma includes cognitive dissonance or the polar opposite realities that there was real love, but there wasn’t and this becomes compounded after the discard when the truth unfolds! Just more trauma to deal with!

This is for family and friends! The more that these traumatizing feelings CAN be encouraged to come out the better. Unfortunately the best friend, family member, or whomever the target/victim talks to cannot be there in the capacity that the target/victim needs them. If the target/victim is STILL in the relationship they are living through trauma every day and the person you once knew may seem so different – this is a sign that this person needs your help desperately. It will become overwhelming to hear the stories over and over again. Also if a person has NOT experienced this abuse the stories will sound so incredulous that they may respond negatively to the target/victim in a manner that puts more blame and shame on them. It is a catch twenty-two for the target/victim because there seems to be nowhere to turn and sometimes they become one of the lost that never recover. What may seem like too many complaints from the target/victim and they should ‘just move on’ is a desperate cry for help that gets lost because of the severity of the experience and need to talk. But the reality is that there are therapists that deal with trauma that are available and a good source to seek out. Also there are survivors and other targets/victims on different sites that will help, share, provide guidance, etc. The more you feel and expel the more you heal and move forward. The point here is to purge it all out and then close the door completely to the Narcissist and the abuse and move on to healing, setting boundaries and desensitizing all of the negative messages.

This abuse is so destructive at so many levels. Imagine the child of a Narcissistic parent that grew up with this abuse. The child is reared in a manner that they believe they are worthless, they never had a chance in life to grow up normally with unconditional love and acceptance to walk out into the world and grow or survive without confusion, fear and feeling worthless. The same for the spouse of a Narcissist that stayed in the relationship because of marriage or children and after many years they are discarded, disabled and destroyed by the years of psychological abuse. How do they get back to life after 25 years of marriage with a Narcissist? It doesn’t matter about the length of time because this abuse is universally debilitating. This is a hideous abuse and our voices are imperative in getting a message out to the world that help has to be available to targets/victims. We can’t define or give a prognosis based solely on a definition of what a Narcissist is. There has to be tried and true standards and a methodology set up that is completely about recovery and making life changes. They are predators and abusers period. Energy must be put into recovery methods for the abused! Please start with no/minimum contact and use your voice so the world understands how dangerous and destructive a Narcissist is! Become a survivor that shares your knowledge to help heal others!

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Go to it!

Do you know where you're going?

Do you know where you’re going?

It’s that time of year when you may be feeling a little run off your feet. The year is a good six months over with and you’ve dealt with the project kick-offs, the launch planning and if you’re in business strategy you’ve already started planning for the year end.

Everything around you is everywhere; up in the air, down on the ground, and all around. There is probably very little room to take a breather. And then, to top it all off, someone or something has gotten under your skin. It’s just the time of the year when you are in-gear, and the very last thing you need is someone trying to sabotage your progress, your thoughts or your joy.

Do YOU believe?

Do you believe?

Solution; press on. Sometimes, you need to actively choose not to let people or situations get to you, you need to let them slide off your back and know, (just because you know) that  things are going to work out perfectly for you. There is no doubt. How do I know this? Because you get what you work for.

So put it out there!

Grab the wheel and GO GO GO!

Grab the wheel and GO GO GO!

When I was learning to drive, I had a driving instructor who used to sweep a hand in front of the windscreen and say “There’s your goal, not in the car; go THERE!” That has always stayed with me and I teach women to apply it not just to driving, of course, but to life. Keep an eye on your goal, on your prize, on your happy ending. And no matter what, no matter who, no matter when, don’t take your eyes off it.

Of course when you are determined, there will be boogie-men (or boogie-women) popping out into the path saying “NO! You will not do this/that! You cannot BE or TRY this! You CAN’T have that! You will not succeed because I will stop you!” Naysayers, evildoers, even bullies will try to make you believe that you don’t deserve it, or you are not good enough, or you can’t achieve this or that. Some will physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally and even SPIRITUALLY try to get in your way. Remember that that’s when all you need to do is drive on by. You don’t have to stoop to their level, you can simply, at that point in time keep driving, if need be right on over them, because the truth is this: –

The Truth - Some people want to stop you!

The Truth – Some people want to stop you!

They do. But since you can’t always do that (not legally anyway!) you can ignore them, and press on..

Tenacity and persistence is worth more than many weapons, and far more than sheer greed. If what you are trying to achieve is honorable and will add value to your life, then nobody and nothing should stand in your way even if they try.

Overdrive..

Grab the wheel and Go Go Go!!

When you adopt this attitude, mountains become road bumps, and whilst road bumps on the street may be speed bumps to slow down on, Road Bumps on the path of life were made to force you to grab onto the steering wheel and laugh out loud about as you bump along and pick up speed!

No matter what!

No matter what they say, what they do, what they try, SEIZE THE DAY!

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Setting the record straight.

abuse8

Looking back over the posts on this blog and the tweets that go alongside this, it would appear that MindspaceIntuition is all about upholding women and by interpretation, vilifying men. This cannot be farther from the truth. As a counselor I feel it is my duty to help women to see the whole picture of their situation, the facts, the feelings and the failures. That includes recognizing that women are valuable and powerful, but with that comes responsibility. There is no point in contributing to arrogance, and one must seek instead to instill a healthy perspective on a situation so that the client is left with tools for the future.

clear

For those to whom it would appear that this blog is only concerned  with elevating women at the expense of men, please note – nothing could be further from the truth; I will state it plainly that I believe the ultra-feminist movement is very much at the heart of most of the relationship problems we encounter today. Women are coming into their own sense of individuality and power, but to do so at the cost of downgrading or denigrating the men in our society would in fact be the ultimate in irresponsibility.

So, that said:

1.) Some women abuse too.

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In fact, spousal abuse by women against men is on the increase. In over 40% of domestic abuse cases the abuse is perpetrated by women. (Campbell, 2010, Domestic Violence Observer) and this is of particular note if we consider that many men do not report cases of abuse because society has dictated that they should be the “stronger” sex. Men are often emasculated by even their peers when they admit to abuse. Abuse perpetrated by women is primarily verbal, emotional and psychological, but all forms of abuse escalate and incidents of physical abuse can and indeed do happen. They get ugly and vicious and calculating.

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2.) Some women are great manipulators

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I say this for the sake of honesty, but with great kindness to the womenfolk;  I’ve seen women act vulnerable when they are in fact the perpetrators of the greatest emotional abuse out there. As we women know from our own feminine friendships, women can be cruel. And we’ve all seen those women who do whatever they must to keep their partner wrapped around their little finger, with a smile on their lips and a whip behind their back to knock them back into shape with either their tears or their tests. Let’s face it; women can be manipulative. Hence, in friendships, it is crucial to chose those friends who will be honest with you, not the ones who will always side with you. Women who are bluntly honest towards women in their friendships actually serve to encourage one another to truth, and where there is truth there should be no need for manipulation. Truth and honesty in friendships lead to integrity in the individual.

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This means, therefore, that we women and men are all suffering under the same condition; the human condition.

Some women suffer at the hands of men, some men suffer at the hands of women. We cannot recognize the one without recognize the other and giving it due credence. That would be like saying that racism is only perpetrated by one race group, which is certainly not the case although that is a point for another day.

I’ve seen situations where a woman wants to leave her husband just because she no longer wants to be “tied down to the responsibilities” of being a wife. That extent of selfishness points to the fact that quite possibly nobody ever gave that sister a reality check. I’ve seen situations where a woman has been so isolated and manipulated that she literally loses touch with who she was before she came into that relationship and needs a helping hand to find herself again, and carve out her own (often new and separate) path.

The solution: REALITY CHECK –

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We all need a reality check now and then, and it’s the (good) women around us who provide that with love and integrity. It could be a counselor, life coach, female friend, a mother, a sister, or even a “soul sista” (in other words, a ‘sista’ from another mother). They keep us in check with the truth, they keep us humble, they keep us sane, they keep us healthy spiritually and emotionally. IF we let them, and IF we chose them wisely.

So here’s to my “soul sistas” – the ones who help me “keep it real”.

You know who “you ‘all” are!

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Going Separate Ways

Alison met Barry (names changed) at a young age, when they were both fresh out of varsity and ready to live it up. A highly sought after financial degree in hand, both partners were soon making a lot of money, and with that came more freedom to party, drink, and generally live it up. They did their financial planning and were in a fortunate position that there was quite a bit of money left over at the end of the month. Along came the houseboat, and with that the house friends of a similar mind since birds of a feather will stick together.

Five years later, Maggie was born, and Alison found herself changing; her priorities and concerns were for her child and she began to stay home more often while Barry went out on the usual binges. As her self-awareness grew she began to seek her spirit self out, and her needs began to change. Barry’s resentment of Alison grew alongside her, turning each outing into an argument of priorities. Barry would come home drunk, and whereas before they would both stumble about and help each other over the toilet bowl, they now hurled abuse at one another. Barry admitted that he needed to change, but did nothing about it. Alison spent more time at church, more time at mother’s events with Maggie, and less time with him.

It would not be long before Alison realised that she had become a different person to the one that had married Barry. She resented the fact that he would not understand the change in priorities and try harder. He resented the fact that she was no longer “what he bought into” when they got married. And so a stalemate was reached.

What is to be done when one part of the couple equation wants things to change, and the other does not? In this case, the differences became irreconcilable; Alison found the pastor was far more understanding and Barry took refuge in the arms of a younger, drunker pair of heels.

In the end, the two divorced. Alison has worked hard at trying to come to terms with the fact that she changed and in so doing effectively “killed” the marriage. Barry was all too happy to feed into that, telling her that she destroyed the life of their child. He allowed his resentment of her to turn into full blown abuse and although we’ve worked through it to a large extent in counseling, Alison will never be the same again because of the guilt she was made to feel around wanting to be a better person.  After a restraining order and another five years down the line, Alison has remarried the pastor and has a second child. Barry, she says, has also grown; he grew a beer belly.

Sometimes it’s possible to work through differences. Sometimes what each wants out of a relationship is so different that the rift is impossible to get past. It could be argued that Alison could have been more supportive, it could be argued that Barry could have been more responsible; but people don’t operate by the proverbial book; people have needs and sometimes those needs lead them in a new direction. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; Barry got what he wanted. Alison got what she wanted. And Maggie is all the better for it, because mom has been down a path she can help to steer Maggie away from, and maybe dad will one day see that the best time of his life is to be had in those moments when she visits, a little older, and a little wiser.

Sometimes, people meet and stay together for a length of time long enough to help the other find their path, and then let them go to live that path in accordance with their own wishes.

To Alison.

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You are not alone.

Sadly we hear of hostages every day.For those who survive, leaving is just the first step. Dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder takes time, and requires support. But what of the silent victims, the silent social hostages? Yes, I’m talking about the victims of emotional and or verbal abuse, since these two usually go hand in hand and leave no external marks. It can happen right there in the place you think is the safest in the whole world, your home. And the perpetrator holding you hostage can be the one you are living with. You must recognize the signs of abuse because they can easily be missed. But the topic of this post is the PTSD that is often the legacy of emotional abuse.

If you’re suffering from low self esteem, living life trying to please someone who you cannot please outside of complete and total surrender to their will and their ways, then you’re probably living in an abusive relationship. There are as many signs of abusive relationships as there are of PTSD, and the latter unfortunately often follows the former.

Consider this – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is experienced by war veterans, victims of rape and child abuse, people surviving traumatic events like plane crashes and shipwrecks, police, firefighters, etc.But did you know that people who experience emotional abuse suffer from PTSD?

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In fact battered women/abused spouses (emotional or otherwise) go through more PTSD than crime and fire fighters. More than raped adults. That should show you how serious the problem is.  Did you know that living with a narcissist or borderline type of person can actually put you in the same psychological and emotional pain as someone who has been through the type of events I’ve mentioned? Scary, but true.

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Emotional abuse comes in many forms and in many venues, but typically they always leave you feeling deflated and vulnerable because the abuse is aimed at eroding your self esteem to the point that you no longer resist but simply seek to comply with and please your abuser; your mind and soul goes into self defense mode, essentially, and you quite literally curl up into a ball within yourself and go to sleep. You may say you’re fighting back, you may say you’re standing up and fighting back, but the point is you should not have to fight. Every time you do, you lose a little of yourself to the battle and you lose the war on your own self esteem.

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Critical and sarcastic spouses, demeaning put-downs and humiliating situations followed by “I was just joking” form the typical pattern of emotional abuse. As a victim of abuse, the thing that builds within you most isn’t even anger or frustration, it’s GUILT. You feel guilty every time you do something for yourself because your internal language has changed and you start to believe you’re just not worth it. You start to believe that the whims of others are more important that your rights. This could not be farther from the truth.

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The sense of guilt is irrational; you know you ought to fight it, but you’ve been worm thin by the brainwashing and battering of emotional abuse; that guilt is a scar that will not heal until you simply refuse to continue in that situation of abuse, and doing that is easier said than done. When you are able to do it, though, you finally feel that you have woken up, that you have been asleep. But you still have to deal with the remnants of the PTSD inside you, process what happened, forgive yourself for allowing yourself such pain, and then learn to love yourself enough to not endure abuse and not inflict it on anyone else because processing PTSD is something difficult to do but something that has tremendous rewards.

verbalIn an emotionally or verbally abusive situation you always feel responsible for someone else’s happiness, some else’s misery, some else’s every waking moment – But you’re NOT!

You’re responsible for respecting them, sure, and that should be reciprocated. You’re responsible for following the rules of that particular relationship which includes kindness, but you are not responsible for their every mood, and you certainly don’t have to “fix” them.You don’t have to feel used anymore, and you will instinctively know not to use your partner in the new relationship.Don’t believe the notion that abusers are ugly looking, scary people; no, indeed they are the sweetest people on the outside, often quite diminutive looking; the type that you think would never hurt a fly. That is their greatest weapon; their image. That, and your silence.

Uprooting abuse & dealing with PTSD:

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Before you can address the PTSD symptoms, you need to uproot the cause. Before you can heal, there are a few things you need to do:

  • Recognize that you’re in pain
  • Recognize that abuse is real and you are not responsible for it
  • Recognize that you are not responsible for someone else’s past that made them an abuser
  • Recognize that yes, you may be a powerful business person/negotiator/whatever, but in this one instance, you’ve given control (absolute control) to someone else for too long.
  • Recognize that abusers don’t change. YOU have to.
  • Recognize that you can either shrivel up into someone and something you’re not to please them, or you walk out, hurt, torn, but ready to heal.
  • LEAVE – Put actions in place to leave SAFELY. This may mean different things to you and can be discussed in sessions.

Leaving an abusive relationship is like leaving a hostage situation. You need to plan it, you need to know you will survive, you need to know there are people waiting, praying for you. You need to know that you have somewhere to go, you need warmth, food (for the body and mind), a safe roof over your head and someone to listen. You need to heal from the wounds and the fear. This will take time, but the sooner you start, the sooner you will heal.

IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

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Today’s challenge..

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A brief click-stroll through social media will reveal that hundreds upon hundreds of people are looking for positive messages. We crave them online and yet we save them all up for online; quite the paradox, isn’t it?

It’s the ultimate escapism really; but what would happen if you really took some of those positive messages and let them transform your day?

For instance, in one of my latest tweets I mentioned an exercise which actually works, but i wonder how many people would do it. Take a blank piece of paper, write down all the things you are grateful for. You can say a little prayer of thanks if you are inclined to do so. feel each one, the impact it’s had on your life, the joy it has brought you or the sense of security. Then pop it into a pot of your favourite flowers (mine are roses), telling yourself that every time you see a new leaf, or  a rose bud, or observe the way the flower blooms you will remember those many wonderful things that are in your life right now. Even if they are gone by the time the flower blooms, even if that relationship is over or someone has passed away, those flowers will remind you to be grateful for their contribution in your life, and they will serve as a testament to you that if you were grateful for that perhaps you can find more things to be grateful for today.

We’re often so busy rushing around that the things we are grateful for disappear into the background noise. But they are real! If you took even one of them away they could in fact cause your entire world to crumble. We rush past them as though having them is something we can take for granted. We can’t. Taking things and people for granted is what leads to pulling away. In terms of people, consider one person in your life, perhaps your special other. Understand then that nobody will stick around forever if they feel unappreciated and unloved, or taken for granted, or that they have to be available to you when it works for them regardless of how it affects you. Nobody will stick around if they have to live their life purely in service of what suits you; not forever. Sooner or later, even the most compassionate person gets tired of being taken for granted. So don’t walk past them, don’t assume they will always be there, don’t assume that somehow you can keep them there by throwing them a little attention now and then. Takes gratitude to another level, doesn’t it?

So here’s the challenge; SPREAD THE JOY CHANGE YOUR DAY

It may seem like a silly trifling, but try it; drop me a comment of some of the things you are grateful for; I’ll go first to get the ball rolling…

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The monster in your mirror

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” There’s a monster hiding in the mirror, when I lean in close she comes nearer. She looks deep in my eyes and sees the fear. “Hush baby Hush” she whispers, “you’re the only one who knows I’m here…” (Author unknown, online source creditted to pen-name “insanity kills” )

In each of us there are things dying to come out, wanting to scream at the world (or at us) about how insufficient we are in the greater scheme of things. I’m not talking about psychosis or  bipolar disorders here, I’m talking about that self-critical side that we can allow to become the monster in the mirror. These shape shifters take the form of thoughts, fears, and even phobias that want to tell us that we can’t do this or will never amount to that. We avoid the thoughts, but they lay there lurking, waiting for one moment where our spirit light of inspiration flickers so that they can pounce and drag us down into the depths of depression and self loathing.

You can’t run from yourself.. so how do you survive their onslaught?

1. Face Them – acknowledge your fear and your insecurity verbally, even out loud to yourself

2. Give them a face – put a name to your fear or your insecurity and consider where they may be coming from

3. Get real – understand your limitations and give yourself a break. If there are things you are overlooking, however, make a list (including deadlines) of when to get things done

4. Girl Power – women are really good at letting their monsters speak when they are in a safe environment, with good friends who understand and can be a bit more objective. Call a girl friend who can help you with a reality check

5. Laugh – nothing scares of darkness like a little light; after all, there’s no point living like it’s ‘Halloween on the inside’

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Lend your ears and you’ve sold your soul.

The message today is a simple one; stop listening to what people say about you, stop trying to please the masses; you will never be happy that way. Ask yourself what and who makes you happy and then don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into abdicating even one moment of that happiness for the sake of “what people will say”. What people may say may be the only thing you have to live with if you keep lending out your ears at the risk of selling your soul…

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Angela (name changed) fell pregnant three years ago. Her boyfriend had just left her and she felt it only right to let him know that she wanted nothing from him at all; no financial support, nothing. She merely wanted him to know because she thought that this was the right thing to do. She was prepared for the hardship of being a single mom and took the child in her womb as a gift from heaven. She was prepared to raise the child alone and never give a second thought to hardships as long as the child would be able to know that somewhere there was a father who at one point had cared about the mother.

Alas, society has not evolved as it would like us to think it has. At grassroots Angela fought the many messages of hatred spewing forth towards her as though she had willed herself to be pregnant or trapped the boy into getting her pregnant. Her attitude of “i want nothing from you but to let you know because it’s your right” was honourable, was correct, and yet her kindness could not be tolerated (as kindness often isn’t and is usually torn apart) and so her words were twisted around. She was harassed continuously and many times it was demanded and even threatened that she put an end to the pregnancy.  There came a point where she began to wonder if having the baby was the right choice; after all, nobody wanted the child, nobody wanted to remember that a happy relationship had actually existed, because greater than the existence of the child was the “community pride”.

Right about now you should be angry. I was. A community who will insist on oppression of anyone, particularly an unborn baby, should not get to have a say. Their “wish” should not even be considered because a community is made up of many individuals and every individual must give account to God (however they see him) if not to their own conscience.

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Angela staved the course. She took her vitamins, drank her water and did what she could to shelter her child so that she could raise it with love (even though the child’s father would never be a participant in her life).

Unfortunately, the child never made it to full term. I for one firmly believe that the unkindness of these “righteous wanna be’s” reached into the mother’s soul with such force that it killed the unborn child. For months she had wrestled with the messages, her thoughts about who was saying what had plagued her, depressed her,made her swing from wanting to live to wanting to not be her anymore. I believe that the unkindness of others (be it direct abuse or by proxy) can wither away any great love, any great joy, and any potential for happiness.

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So if you are reading this today and you have been listening to the nay-sayers who would steal your happiness, do the opposite and PRIORITISE it. Communities are not God. They are not the Law. They are not your LIFE. But if you lend your ears out often enough, they can take your happiness, they can steal your joy, and they can buy out your very soul.

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RIP little one. This is a remembrance to you and a word of encouragement to your mother; may we all be ever so bold as she that we stand up for justice and LIFE – to the death if need be. And may we stop lending out our ears to the naysayers before it’s too late…

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When will change come.

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Sometimes we really want to believe that there is goodness is the person we are with. Take Emma for example (name changed). She has been verbally and emotionally abused for the last 18 years of her married life. She has been publicly shamed, broken down and humiliated. She has had all number of insinuations made about her by her spouse. She has stayed the course and done everything in her power to stay for the sake of a number of things from kids to community. The question is – will he change?

Let me put this as simply as I can, Emma. The answer is No.

Manipulation will escalate, because this is what happens when an abuser has been “found out”. Control techniques will keep on increasing and lies to cover those up and make it look as though it is all your fault are definitely not in your imagination. You see, you can never love someone enough to change them; sometimes character is what it is. There are instances where, caught early, things can change; but living with a narcissistic personality or controlling abuser isn’t something that anyone can change, not even the person themselves; it is character that has had habit ingrained into it. You can turn a blind eye, you can excuse it a million times but it does not change what the person is.

The least you should aim for is to get out alive, before the physical abuse worsens/ starts/ increases in frequency. After so many years there is simply no way that you can regain enough respect in that person’s eyes to make the abuse stop. In some very rare circumstances, roles are reversed and the abused become the abuser but then what kind of life would that be and who would want an “upper hand” at the expense of their own goodness? I’d recommend set them free and set yourself free. There is never any shame in living a life of peace on the back of a broken past. The community doesn’t live in your house, the extended family doesn’t cry their eyes out in the nights, and the neighbours won’t make your bed warm for you when you find that it is loveless. If you are financially able or there is any glimmer of financial hope that you and the kids will be okay, please know that change does not come for long term abusers/narcissists, not for any fault of yours but simply because it does not exist in the character of the abuser. So Emma, please take the children, and live before life makes it too hard to start over and age makes it impossible to begin again.

Emma — There is hope. There is time. There is a door.  Please, use it.

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