Taking out the Trash

There is something very beautiful about being able to just be “you”confident in who you are, your beliefs and what you do. It is a position that not everyone reaches because it requires maturity and it requires the understanding that not everyone matters. It’s true! Confidence can be presumed to be arrogance when in fact it is simply a case of knowing what you want, who you want, and what you’re not prepared to entertain.

It’s perfectly okay to elect not to associate with certain elements of the human race. It’s perfectly okay to just be yourself.

Recently, a client commented how she is finding it hard to not be cynical about the world around her. Since she is already in the job market and growing therein, I personally find this to be quite healthy, if tempered with a reality check. You do need both, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with entering what I call “the internal bitch zone” when you crap detect and eliminate someone from your circle or your reality that in actual fact means zero to you. And by BITCH, i mean “Being In Total Control of Herself” and not the other kind, because those are a dime a dozen and who wants to be that anyway, right?..

So ladies, this one is for all of you out there that need to do a little people sweep from your circle. Go for it. BE ruthless. Here’s a brief list of the type of individual you don’t need in your list of friends, be it on your phone, at your table or on any of your social media:

*Energy/ Emotional Vampires

Picture the evil wanna-be queen in Snow White.She would never be a queen in any sense of the word, yet she goes around wanting to suck the life out of innocent people. You know the type? Trash them. You don’t need to give even a second thought to such soul-less creatures. You don’t need to honour their messages, or respond to them, simply eliminate because they are creatures of the dark and YOU must walk in the light. The other type of energy vampire exists for the purpose of putting you down so that they can feel better about themselves. These are actually weak, shallow character individuals and so the best is to squeeze them out as one would a pimple. Done.

*Narcissists

According to ‘Psychology Today’, this can be defined as: “Narcissism involves cockiness, manipulativeness, selfishness, power motives, and vanity-in other words a love of mirrors. Related personality traits include: Psychopathy, Machiavellianism”  So true! You know the type? Someone who spends ages photoshopping their otherwise ugly self because the inner ugliness is spilling over and they desperately need to pretend to be beautiful? ‘Lol’ as they say, you don’t need those. Narcissists will use tools like smear campaigns to try to degrade your image to others (to make themselves look good), they will use gaslighting to make you focus on something you’ve done (usually insignificant) in an effort to stop an argument or to prevent taking responsibility for something they’ve done. Remember, there is no excuse for abuse. People who abuse, hurt, injure, accuse, insult and harm you (in subtle and not so subtle ways) yet make themselves appear (and force you to do it to in public!) demure and lovely or kind to the rest of the world aren’t actually fooling anyone but themselves, so simply leave them to their own little bubble of self delusion, and you walk on and go live a happy life. Done.

*Psychopaths

Not every psychopath is a murder. The UK telegraph defines these quite well. They are those among us who live in a world of selfishness; only their feelings matter, and if they stub their toe then the entire world must fall. Character traits include “glibness and superficial charm, grandiose sense of self-worth, pathological lying, cunning/manipulative, lack of remorse, emotional shallowness, callousness and lack of empathy, unwillingness to accept responsibility for actions, a tendency to boredom, a parasitic lifestyle, a lack of realistic long-term goals, impulsivity, irresponsibility, lack of behavioural control” Some Psychopaths are also Narcissists, whilst some narcissists are simply sociopathic narcissists. Whatever the caseif someone is constantly hurting you and then offering shallow appologies whilst turning around in the same breath and actually blaming you for “making them be angry” well that is the trait of a psychopath and it’s time to take out the trash. Block them, ban them, delete their numbers and have nothing to do with them.

Unless you’re willing to buy into a life of servitude, such people deserve no part in your life. Abuse always escalates, emotional vampires will leave you empty, and put-downs are not the same as constructive criticism that leads to growth so you do not need to accept that. Ever.

Why? Because life is far too short.

It is far more important to be someone of good character than to worry about what people will think about you. They don’t think that often anyway. And often thoughts are more a reflection on them than on you. When your mind is clear, your life will be too. When your life is clear, your mind will be too.

 

Fall down 11 times. Get up 12.

One challenge facing people today is that of career choices.The world is changing fast, technology is impacting us daily and so it is that the way we do business has to adjust, and sometimes that adjustment is too much for the individual. Sometimes, it’s perceived as easier to just “cut your losses” and move onto something different. If you’re in this position there are a few things you need to take into account:

1. Are you qualified?

Just because something is trending doesn’t mean it’s for you. Just because a friend is doing well with their consulting/bookkeeping/catering business doesn’t mean that you will. I believe there is such a thing as talents or gifts; follow your passion and you’re halfway there. I can think of nothing worse than putting all your money into a business deal that you just aren’t cut out for. I can’t tell you how many “Marketers” I’ve met, how many “Psychologists” I’ve talked to. Just because you want it doesn’t mean you should do it. And that adage goes for many things. It’s about maturity – figure out exactly what skills and competencies are needed for a particular path before you start charting a course and paying rental on an office space that will stand empty. If it IS you, then get the training you need. Even the most gifted beautician can benefit from training under someone experienced in the art and in the business of BUSINESS. If you’re unsure, see a career counselor or a professional life coach/mentor. They will help you explore options, but the choice will and must always be yours.

2. Expand your mind
If you’re looking for change, chances are that what you’re doing hasn’t worked.And it’s very probable that you only see 20% of the possibilities out there. There may very well be opportunities out there in terms of business, career or personal education that you have never considered a possibility and in actual fact may be very suited for you. If  you are a very creative person, but you’re quite an introvert it won’t help to take a course in Public Relations and hope for the best. So rather start where you’re at: Make a list of the skills and competencies you have, talk to your friends, family and business partners and ask them to describe what they see as your biggest talents. Then stretch your perception of what is out there.Cruise some job specs outside of what you would normally look at and draw up a list of possibilities before committing to a course of action.

3. Chase the joy!

Misery may love company, but working at something you hate is not a life; it’s just an existence and an empty one at that. Choosing a career or occupation that makes you feel alive and productive is worth more than all the money in the bank accompanying a sad life.

4. Speak up

Let people know you’re heading for a change. This will both inspire you and help you to keep it real.

5. Keep it real
Things don’t happen overnight. Not friendships, not relationships and not careers. So once you’ve decided which direction to go you have to keep at it, plot your course and chisel away at the blockages because they are bound to come up, and then just press on.

Fall down 11 times get up 12.Never quit. Never stop. Unlike relationships where people can give up on you a career is all YOU, so never, EVER give up on what you want. Be unshakable and success is the only possible outcome.

Connections

 

Many relationships fall apart. Many people have affairs. Many people live lonely, empty lives whilst surrounded by everything money could buy; a shell of existence. They fill their lives with “lots” of “little” . The question is, why?

Because it’s easier than to wait to gain or recapture the real thing. It really is as simple as that.

So women have complained to me that men are jaded, don’t listen, aren’t romantic, just don’t take initiative or reply to text and email messages with one or two syllables “if you’re lucky to get a whole word out of them”. And other women say their men see them as verbose, overbearing, confusing even and they just don’t understand why their men would say that. But the differences are what actually complements one with the other. When it’s the right person.

You see, when you’re young, you think that you will connect with many people; it is only when you are much older that you realize that the real connections (be they in friendship or love) are very few, very rare, and truly to be treasured and nurtured and protected.

The real issue with relationships in a world where we are becoming increasingly technologically connected is the absence of real companionship, the kind that is formed at the heart and at the soul and in the mental plane. In our human frailty we don’t always think that a LIFETIME is a short time, we think it’s too long, too scary, we want things now like the consumers that we’ve become so in our thirst for the now we forget the real and we forget how important being connected really is.

We try to impress where we should try to just BE. Those who accept and value you when you are just BEING you are those who deserve to get to be with you.

Soulmates and companions are rare. They should be. Just like precious jewels aren’t knocking around in the streets, precious people are not a dime a dozen, cannot be picked up at a bar once the glass is full and will probably not be found among the type of people that you don’t resonate with at soul level. The precious ones will handle you with care and with respect and kindness. These people will know exactly when you need a call, a “script for the day” or just a hello.

When you connect, really connect it is a truly special thing and it will transcend time, space, distance and even age because you know you’ve found someone with whom the broken bits don’t matter and the oddball moments of silliness actually make sense. The person who gets you in that quiet pause where you look at each other and you know you’re on the same page. The person who pauses and without saying a word you know they have heard you, truly HEARD you. This is not someone you have to walk around eggshells with, you can just let your hair down with because it just seems the most natural thing to do. They remind you of where you came from and they show you all the potential you have, and then they go right ahead and encourage you in finding more of yourself and reaching more of your potential. And they do that all right beside you, without skipping a beat.

So when you find that, hold on. It doesn’t matter how long you have to wait, when it’s real it really and truly is forever. Because whether you believe it or not (in your human frailty) the day will come when you know that all that time when you wondered if the other person really did see things the way you do, when you doubted yourself or felt silly for being so vulnerably you; all that time they were on the same page, you just didn’t realise it.

You may find this connection with certain friends;  if you are willing to be one open to such connections. When one woman tries to bring another woman down all she achieves is to reveal herself as unworthy and rather a waste of time.

So here’s the scoop; when you find that special companionship connection you will know. In friendship or in love don’t run because it’s too intense, don’t clam up because you’ve been hurt before and don’t wait for the other person to take initiative. Just be You.

Remember, time is like a river, you will never cross the same waters twice, the waters keep on shifting, time passes, and only real connections stand the test of time.

One year old

Wow, I can’t believe this blog is one year old. I have to admit that I had planned on blogging alot more often but it is always a balance around what to share and what to withold.

Suitably so, today I’d like to talk about memories. It is understood that one cannot look back on the past and expect any type of salvation from it, because the past is simply a contributing factor to our present. But we can, and should, carry with us those things that have added value to our life experience. Some memories never fade, some friendships outlive even the deepest or most prolonged time of separation, and the fragrance of lives touching one another will at times never be forgotten.

For those who’ve read the blog, thank you.l know that most subject matters covered here can touch on deeply personal thoughts and emotions and so I was, quite honestly, not expecting any comments at all. To those brave souls who have indeed commented or followed the blog, I say thanks for the words of support.

Here’s to looking ahead, and taking into our tomorrow all that which is beautiful, uplifting, and that which fills us with joy.

 

 

 

Release the ropes..

I have been privileged in life to have had few good friends. You may find that a strange statement but it’s true. Good friends really are a gift, and they can never be found among the crowds. They are the type of people that may dip out of your life for a time, but somehow find their way back and it is as if they were never gone.

The noise and clatter of people that reek of nail polish and gossip, chrome and cold marble hearts of no substance isn’t something that I find attractive, I don’t know about you. Whilst I respect prosperity i have found that sadly many people who find wealth become so rich that all they have is money. They lose their respect for others, for themselves, their sense of kindness, and they start to live empty lives, the veneer of “apparent happiness” belying a rotten core of sadness, abuse, lies and betrayal. We’ve all known that type of person. We’ve all been exposed to the glimmer and attraction of being part of the “in” group. I’d rather have 3 good friends than a world of admiring fans. It is sad to see people try to keep up appearances rather than simply be REAL. People who live behind lies and smoke and mirrors of pretense that they are happy when they are dying, every day a little more, to the need to get away from the maddening crowd.

Without respect you have nothing.

Imagine a tightrope. Imagine you are past of that rope; it reached from within you. Look below you and ask yourself if you are grounded on something that really resonates with who you are. Now look at the other end; are you being pulled at the other by the type of person that truly loves, accepts, and supports you in your inner integrity and the truth of who you are? Are those people who are pulling to stretch and grow you and share their walk with you all pulling in the same direction? If not, you have a problem.

Let’s take that image one step further; if your soul is the rope, then who are the friends and companions that pull you along and whom you pull along? Are they syncronised to your wishes, your dreams and aspirations, or are they pulling you towards their own will, their own ideals, their own “say so” of what you should be doing with your life and how or whom you should be living with? I can’t imagine a sadder or more frustrating way to live. The rope begins to shred, as each pulls in a separate direction; it begins to tatter, to divide into bits and pieces until you no longer recognize your own will. The weaves of that rope will snap in places, weakening it. Your strength is divided, your joy cannot be found and your peace is robbed.

So what is the solution? First, look to the anchor on your rope. Are you anchored in a source that reflects you, in your own uniqueness? Now look to the ropes leading out; look to those who pull on you and take back the reigns. Understand that it is you and you alone that gets to decide who pulls on you. The quality, character, nature, kindness of the main characters at the end of your rope should be such that their light flows with yours, their love with yours, their peace with yours. If that is not the case, then it is time to take back the reigns and chose again. You are in charge of your own choices, because you alone live their consequences. It doesn’t matter if you have to re-adjust your ropes two, three, four or five times, Friendships must be those that build you and Love must be that which supports and uplifts you. Otherwise you just end up hog tied and trying hard to break free.

The journey is full of people that will quickly cut you down, rip you apart, take advantage of you; don’t let any of those latch on to even a shred of who you are. This, dear reader, is living in personal integrity.

So look within and don’t forget to be that type of friend, of love, that adds value and contributes joy and peace, because no matter how much they may love you it is guaranteed that people WILL eventually grow weary of being pulled and hurt and torn.

 

Destiny is determined in part by who you share your rope with.

Here’s something I came across that i found really beautiful. They are lyrics to a song but they are just what needs be said.

Well your friends know what’s right and your friends know what’s wrong
And your friends all know sometimes its hard to choose.
But the friend who helps you see where your choices will lead
Is the kind of friend you never want to lose.

It’s that friend who leads with love, doesn’t push, doesn’t shove
Just reminds you of the truth you’ve always known.
Then does more than just talk, takes your hand and starts to walk
By your side along the road that leads back home.

And this friend seems to see all the great things you’ll be
Even when some things you do would prove him wrong.
But he always believes that the real you he sees
Is a champion he’s simply cheering on.

And the love that you feel from a friend that is real
Is more powerful than anything on earth.
For it lifts and it grows and it strengthens and flows
It’s what allows the soul to feel just what they’re worth.

So many lonely souls are calling
and a brighter star would not be falling
if only they had a friend
a real friend

Everyone hopes to find one true friend who’s the kind
They can count on for forever and a day.
Be that friend, be that kind that you prayed you might find
And you’ll always have a best friend, come what may

Healing

Age – just a number

As a life coach and energy healer I’ve come across many different situations, sometimes officially and sometimes on the path, as fingertips touch the lives of others on their own journey.

In every circumstance we live there is a transfer of energy; we may not even be aware it. I am therefore always very guarded in my own personal life, but always very aware of the huge need for healing in each one of us.

Let it flow..

Recently I worked with a woman whose young child tried to commit suicide. Nothing can be scarier or more overwhelming than being faced with a young life that is so distraught that they feel the only escape to be death. Whilst I will never condone suicide, I have come to understand that dark place where silence screams to be heard and the voices beg to be silenced. I believe that every person has faced this void at one or other point in their life, perhaps even taken a step towards that abyss, and it isn’t always because of things that are happening now, or because of overwhelming difficulties. I’ve understood that for some people the darkness is made up of yesterdays, whether those yesterdays are chock full of unspoken or un-lived dreams, or brimming over with people that have already departed and for whom there is no return.

I want to share this with you because it may be of help to anyone dealing with past hurt and wanting to heal..

Aging isn’t always a graceful process, and for the older women I’ve spoken to the hardest bit is memories. I recall one women in particular as she lay on what would become her deathbed. I touched her hand and she woke, she had been lying in the sunroom of the old age home for a couple of hours and the warmth of the sun temporarily made her forget herself so she had drifted off. She opened her sparkling eyes and the reality of where she was dawned on her like an old, worn out sheet. She looked at me and then away, down at her missing leg. Her ability to speak was almost gone. She lifted the comforter and revealed the stub left behind from her amputation. The pain in her eyes was evident. The tears filled her eyes and I brushed aside the silver hair over her fringe and kissed her forehead. She looked down at her hands, the patchy network of blue so close to the thin skin. I understood from her that she missed her leg, felt somehow less whole. In my younger mind (this was many years ago) I had it all worked out, she was dealing with loss of her independence of mobility.

I could not have been more wrong. Her intense sadness didn’t come from the amputated leg, or even from the knowing that gangrene was spreading and she really wasn’t going to last more than a week. Her sadness came from the memories of dancing, memories that were so strong and so vivid that she yearned to reach out and touch her departed soulmate again, but he had gone ahead of her. All I could do in the absence of dancing with her was to sing with her. And somehow, in that miraculous moment that voice that was almost gone rose up and joined mine. We sang “Once I had a secret love” from an old John Wayne movie, because I felt it may have resonated with her and thankfully i was right. Before her voice went again she thanked me, saying that in that moment, with her eyes closed, she had felt him there with her. She had felt the arms and she knew, she said, he would fetch her. “Soon”. So we said goodbye. Not the kind of see you next week goodbye, but the kind of goodbye that comes when you know time’s up.

I never saw Mrs Rue again, she passed peacefully that night, the nurses say. To me, she was still beautiful. In that moment I had seen in her the beauty of her twenty year old self, the sparkle of naughtiness in her eyes. I had felt the memories flow through her hand and I was so blessed to have seen that. Mrs Rue taught me that memories can become the hardest thing in older years. She also taught me that it really is only skin deep.

Mrs Rue, this one’s for you. Wherever you are, I will remember.

Keep it Crazy, Keep it Good!

 

 

Life’s twists and turns

If

I have said it before and I will re-iterate now; there is only one guarantee in life, and that  is that things will change. And the more they change, however, the more they remain the same, coming full circle to remind you of where you once were. It never ceases to amaze me that the people who are meant to be in your life will make their way into it, somehow. Sometimes at the strangest times, but usually when you need it most.

I believe that every woman needs a friend who will remind her of who she came from, so that she will recognize how far she’s really traveled. She needs a childhood friend, to remind her of her roots, as well. These things are necessary so that one remembers that which is important and that which is essential.

So here’s to the friends that keep you sane along the journey, the friends that stay in a small corner of your heart despite the waves of time washing past or rushing by. The ones that make you who you are and have been there when you’ve won, when you’ve loved, when you found yourself a hundred times over and lost yourself one hundred and one times all over again.

Life is a journey, stay on the road and keep your eye on where you’re headed, but don’t forget the value of looking at those who walk alongside you. Sometimes they are there in flesh and blood, sometimes they are there as a memory, but if they hold value, they never leave your side, and they never, ever forget.

 

 

The Ugly side of the Race

Warning: – I must state upfront that I will, in this post, be calling  a stick a stick and a spade a spade. I will also be referring to black, white, coloured, indian and asian population groups purely because this is the easiest way to refer to people when discussing race groups and I’m not going to erm an aah around any trees this morning. If you are offended by this, please go ahead and close the page; the big “x” at the top right of your browser will save you (and me) the trouble of further ado.

It doesn’t really matter where you work, there will always be those people who think they are better than you because they think you belong to an inferior race group. I’ve never understood the rationale and I’m here to break open the misconception that this is the “domain error” of the white population. It isn’t.

Cliques based on racial segregation exist in every single race group. I’ve been at corporate events where for some reason the black staff group together and go and sit elsewhere. I’ve also been at events where for some reason coloured (mixed race) people sit together and talk about how “white” or “black” the event is.  Lastly, having grown up in South Africa I’ve also had to stand up to my share of white supremacists who think that their skin colour gives them some sort of right to do exactly what those other groups did; be separatist.

There are unique cultural aspects to each culture; but this does not mean that a “culture” is always a race group, or that one is above the other. People are different. I’ve had Jewish people who won’t give up the “anti-semitist” card and play it every chance they get. I’ve also had black people who give up the “race” card and will call each other all sorts of names that would not be allowed from a “whitey” or a “coloured”; not only this they will think nothing of starting a “Black Accountants Association” (for example) but take great offense at a “White Accountants Association”. I’ve also seen Indian women who group together against someone because that person is white, thinking that they are proving that person to be “racist” when in fact all they are doing is showing that they themselves are segregationist and trying to be elitist because in truth they feel very inferior to the person they suddenly have to deal with.

It doesn’t matter which way you slice it, every group (Yes, even the white group) has some chip on their shoulder which can be played, some ground they want to leverage, or someone they want to blame for their own fortune or misfortune on whatever stage.

What is the root of this fruit? You may think it’s pride and there are elements of pride here. You may think it’s arrogance and maybe that plays a part. But the real truth behind the ugly face of racism is the belief, deep down that “Maybe I’m not good enough, so I’ll make someone else look not good enough and deflect that from myself in the hopes that I feel better about myself. “

Ten out of ten times, I believe, the individuals playing the race card in a group feel inferior to the person they are dealing with. Numbers tip the scales and there is a “group stupidity” that takes over where they simply try to find some reason to make the other group look or feel inferior. And ten out of ten times it doesn’t work; all it does is fuel the other person’s sense of entitlement unless they are (and yes, I am) sufficiently enlightened to understand that we are all different and that difference adds to the wondrous diversity of life and cultures. These many differences should be reasons to celebrate, but it is personal insecurities played out among small (and larger) groups that turns the celebration into a pity party. That pity party in turn becomes a “hate fest”.

Now, isn’t it all so unnecessary? I find culture fascinating. I love that in my Portuguese roots culture we use up ALL of the animal in some dish or the other, and guess what, so do the Zulu roots cultured people around me. I love that in my Portuguese roots culture we pray together as a family and so do my Indian, Coloured or White friends, even if their religion or their prayers are different to mine.

In the end, we all want a few things in life:

*to feel safe and secure

*to feel productive and part of a bigger picture

*to be accepted and wanted

*to build as a good a future for our children as we can

That common ground should be more than the many little differences like the accents with which we speak or (certainly) the shade of pink, brown, cream or otherwise of our skins, or the shape of our feet/face/nose/eyes/etc.

I believe we are made different for good reason; fruit salad is always better than eating only apples for the rest of your life. So get to know the culture of the person you think is different; it may surprise you just how much you have in common, and it may surprise you just how much you can learn from one another.

People are different. DEAL with it. LEARN from it. GROW with it. Anything less is cheating yourself.

Living in a box, walking with the crowds

Are you living in a box

Are you boxed in? Living according to someone else’s preconceptions of what you should be doing, who you should be seeing, what you should be thinking? No? Really? How sure are you…

There is something extraordinarily powerful that comes with living in your own personal truth. In the process of life coaching, one of the key things we do is to separate who you think you should portray yourself as being, from who you really are. Once we get to grips with who we are in the inside; the good, the bad, or the ugly, we are then in a position to really develop a plan for where we want to go in life.

Image Credit: Kinga Britschgi, digital artist

For most people (not just women) life is a process of doing rather than a process of being. We fill our lives with things we need to do, lists of what we need to prove to the world, and in the process we often become just a spectre of who we really and truly are. Being genuine is not a simple or easy thing to do; being genuine is uncomfortable, it means that many people are not going to respond to you (initially) the way may have hoped they should.

This is what I call the Being Dilemma – On one side of this dilemma there’s moving with the crowds with a little bit of you thrown in; you become an amalgamation of many of the aspirations you perceive to be “real” whether these are imposed on you through media, through society, or through the various interest groups or communities in which you are involved. You move in these groups, or herds if you like, that do certain things and make certain noises. The payoff is acceptance (although we never recognize it’s superficiality). On the flip side of the being dilemma lies You,actually being-  the person that you really are. Many of us don’t walk in that personal truth because it’s uncomfortable to stick out as different, in a world that likes conformism. Our inner self is sometimes kooky, sometimes spooky, but always, always unique. The payoff for being yourself in all your hairiness is that you may not be very popular initially, but you will be unique, and you can be guaranteed that those people who actually stick around are trusted friends, trusted partners; life becomes deeper, more whole, much more real and vibrant, beyond what you knew. Eventually this earns respect, and you become more peaceful because when you put your head on the pillow, you can face your demons, you can face your God, and you can face yourself. You know at this point that you are being YOU and not hiding from anything at all.

Most people can’t transition from being one in a crowd (with a little “me”) to being ONE among many. It takes soul-seeking, it takes personal pain, it takes a lot of hard work. And more often than not, it takes change. Sometimes that change is so radical that people wonder if you’ve lost the plot altogether; you may change religion, change careers, change many things.

The life-coaching process we walk you through is geared towards taking you from the crowds to the mirror, gently helping you to peel back each veneer of “what you are doing” until you are “Who you are” , doing what lies at your core; living your personal passion and your personal truth. It is a process of becoming more you, more honest and with more integrity. It comes with pain, with loss, but also and with tremendous gains because in the process you begin to see that the world is made of two things; the sleeping masses, and the breathing, living individuals that actually turn the hands of progress. We can chose to awaken.

Take a look around you; are you living something because it’s expected, because you’re being pressured to, because you’re afraid of the repercussions of walking into your own personal truth and reality? If so, you’re giving away every day to the sleeping numbness of existence, rather than LIFE.

True life means you get to choose. The truth (within) really does set you free. You really do live a deeper existence when you are able to accept personal responsibility for your own choices. You really do live a more enriching life for yourself and others when you speak and move from your inner, personal light, when you die to the preconceptions of what you should be, to become who you are; and awaken.

You can chose to live your potential by responding to the call of what your own spirit and your own inner being knows itself to be. Or you can remain outside in the crowds and away from yourself, living a collective illusion of who you should be, out where the matrix is very, very real.

 

 

Pathology of the Unwavering Manipulator

Being an avid reader, I must say that the novel “Shatter” by Michael Robotham is one of my all time favourite crime novels, although I read many different genres of work. In this novel, a serial killer stalks women and (not to ruin the story) makes them feel so guilty that he makes them commit suicide, in the belief that they will be saving a life/home/happiness/etc. So is it suicide or is it murder? It’s murder, of course; the psychopath made them feel so guilty and so responsible as though they were the ones at fault that they would do anything at all for the manipulative psychopath. If they don’t do what he wants, then they or someone they love will die/suffer.etc. Although this may appear extreme, Sadly this is often un-diagnosed so that every one of us probably knows one of these, or knows about them. Some people have even had a relationship with a subtle (or not so subtle) manipulator. They come in the shape of lovers, friends, spouses, and even the friend at school who is so needy that you end up doing their homework just because they are always so sad. Meet the manipulator.

Let’s debunk the manipulator once and for all, shall we? He/she comes in many guises, and a psychopathic manipulator is only one extreme.

They Lie.

The artful manipulator (aren’t they all) will lie to any level to get you to believe that they are the victim of circumstances, people, their past, their present, their work, their busy-ness, their community, their family, their image, your image, anything; Their goal is to use every single trick in the book to manipulate you into feeling so bad about yourself or so bad for them, that you do exactly what they want, every single time.

Liars are not all psychopaths, but all psychopaths are liars, so ask yourself; how much is true, how much is just “not so subtle” manipulation.

How do you get around this? Remember your standards, pull in your self determination, and just walk away. Like a siren to the sailors, they may speak a sweet tune but there is the venom of a thousand vipers in their every word.

They act helpless

Their tales of woe will bring tears to a snake and make even a teddy bear believe he is really a monster. Manipulators are excellent at turning on the crocodile tears and the tantrums because they know that ten to one the person or people they are manipulating are good and won’t like to see those. How do they know it? They chose you. They don’t surround themselves with people who are independent and free thinkers. They surround themselves with people whose beliefs, culture, family or circumstances they can use to make them comply with their needs/wants/wishes, however bizarre.

The narcissistic manipulator has no moral compass. They may appear to be religious, even spiritual, but call them out on someone else’s rights over them and they will draw on the “poor me” card; Every. Single. Time.

It’s quite easy to tell them apart from the rest of the crowd; they are the ones that wear the most masks, know everyone you think needs knowing, and seek the most approval, because they do more “selling” themselves than they do following through on what they purport to be.

How to get around this? Understand that everyone has a bad day at some point, they are not the custodians of “poor me”. Everyone has something they don’t think is perfect in their life, but they move on, get over it, muscle through it. So don’t buy into it. Deaf ears work well against this ploy, speedy feet running away (FAST) work even better.

They cry. ALOT.

Well helplessness doesn’t work and they can’t rope you in to do for them what they should be doing, they will claim you need counseling because you are hurting them/someone/the family/the community/the group of friends/etc

The tears will flow, they may threaten suicide, they simply change tack and pull on emotional blackmail to convict you since their “helplessness” couldn’t convince you. It’s all about their image, their mask, what people will think/say/do. Never about the facts. Never about their role. Never about doing what’s right.

Solution – hand them a tissue. Then show them the door.

They LOVE and THRIVE ON the blame game

When “poor me” doesn’t work, and crying and begging doesn’t work, the artful manipulator (narcissistic or not) will blame the world around them for their sorry lot in life, in fact, they will blame YOU. Because you are the reason they aren’t getting what they want. They blame the person they want to manipulate because, remember, they’ve chosen the person (you) because you are manipulate-able in their mind.

They will tell you that you a cruel, try to make you feel aweful about yourself. This may take days, weeks, months. They will swing from being loving to being cruel to FORCE you to think you will be loosing out if you don’t do their bidding. They will try every trick in the book to make you believe that you’re cruel, you’re heartless, you’re selfish, you are the reason for their sorrow/aggression/frustration/every-and-anything. They will try to make you believe that if you don’t do what they want, then YOU will be making not just thme, but your friends suffer/your family suffer/ your kids suffer/ your community suffer/ your reputation suffer/ your xyz or pqr suffer – you are guilty for what you have done (or not done) and guilty for any consequence of not doing what they want you to do as well. The sky will fall, baby seals will go hungry and all the whales will vanish into thin air because YOU didn’t do their bidding. (and this would be their most positive scenario if you don’t do their bidding).

This type of energy vampire draws on your spirit of goodness and your own moral compass and correctness because they don’t have one, and then tries to damn you with your own sense of justice. “if you really love me, you will kill yourself before you leave me” or “If you really have a conscience you will do xyz because failing to do so means you are a hypocrite”.

Note: By the way, They don’t see the irony of their own hypocrisy. They cant because their focus is not on what’s right, it’s on CONTROL. They don’t actually  care if what they want you to do is wrong or unjustifiable in your shared even in their own belief system or even if that of the same /family/community/circle of friends they say you have hurt. If they want it, they will lie, and if that doesn’t work they will cry, and if that doesn’t work they will throw a tantrum or play the “poor me because of you” blame game until they get what they want (if you allow it, of course).

How to get around it? Get real, then set boundaries and stick to them. Don’t engage the psychopath or the manipulator. Don’t enter into conversation or negotiation. At the very least, ignore them. Behavioural boundaries are just as important as personal space boundaries. If you wouldn’t allow someone to disrespect you by spreading lies about you, don’t allow them to do it to your face.

Now let’s take this back a notch – I’m not saying EVERYONE does this. Sometimes people are mirrors and they are reflecting back at you something within yourself that you need to address and this is a good thing, this leads to personal growth. But when it’s about their will versus everything else and what they want must simply occur or they will simply “die”, then you’re dealing with a manipulative individual and their agenda is to change you to suit their needs, and if it means stripping you of even your sanity to get what they want, then that’s what they will do. These are the individuals I speak of. They will bad mouth your priest, your pastor, your partner, your best friend, tell you those people have brain washed you, try to discredit anyone who could help you to be YOU, because that would get in the way of what they want.

Psychopaths use this technique a lot; sociopaths definitely use it, and the narcissist? Well, it’s their favourite toy of course!- deflect everything on to you as though anything you’ve done in reaction to them is actually your own fault. Because of course if it weren’t for you then they wouldn’t have been the bastard/bitch they are in the first place. Makes perfect sense? To them it does..

Solution – cancel your subscription to their theatre, call it curtains, and if you need to walk away completely, do it. You’re no good to anyone dead. Not one of the characters in the book benefitted from killing themselves over someone else. They all ended up the same way – sick, and very, very dead.

In other words, grow a backbone. The world will not crumble if you say NO.

Manipultors are shapeshifters. Many women have said this about the men they’ve left due to the abuse suffered at their hands. When out in public these men were wonderful pillars of society, church leaders, elders, caregivers. They were charming! So charming in fact that the fear of not doing what they want is added to by the fact that you as victim think nobody will believe you. Nobody will believe that as soon as the door closes, that smile becomes a scowl, that suggestion becomes an order and you become not just the victim but the prisoner.

Solution – BREAK the silence. Let people know what’s going on. File a police report and let them know you won’t tolerate another infraction on your sense of self-worth. Talk to people you trust, without them. Manipulators and psychopaths benefit from counselling only in one way – to convince someone else that you are as bad as they say. Because believe me, while you are being quiet and respectful about their behaviour, they are slamming you left right and center, setting the stage for that inevitable moment when someday they DON”T get what they want.

They use who you are against you, to get what they want.

You know how people can take a verse out of a holy book totally out of context and thereby discredit the entire book? Have you seen how media portrays certain groups so that when you hear their name or faith group you immediately think “terrorist”? Well, that is called manipulation. And it happens in a microcosm of the home or the friendship just as easily. How come? Because the people who KNOW something don’t speak and don’t do anything, so that the ONE who knows NOTHING is left to be the spoiled brat running amock and breaking down the good reputation of people who actually LIVE FOR A LIVING.

Pick your poison, it’s all the same…

Spotting the Psychopath

Spotting the Sociopath

Spotting the Narcissist

   

They are not invincible. BUT if you’re REALLY unlucky, you may have saddled yourself with someone who is all three…

…and here you thought poisonous snakes were dangerous!!